I hadn’t patronized one of these exhilarating establishments in the past 10 years…until yesterday, when a group of parents and I had the bright idea to take nine, end-of-summer crazed preschoolers.  The next bit of dim-wittedness that somehow emerged from the minds of the adults, was for each of us to use a coupon to purchase 100 game tokens for a mere $20…might as well get a good deal while you are there, right?

It was about two hours later that I decided the air must be slightly spiked with nitrous oxide, otherwise there would be no way four intelligent women would purchase 100 game tokens each, knowing that preschoolers not only need assistance at every game, but take twice as long playing them.

There are a few other exciting things that occur while visiting this enchanting joint.

– A giant rat will appear at some point during your visit, causing some children to scream uncontrollably.

– There will be actual extreme toddler cage fighting…without the cage.

– The pizza will be extra greasy and cold, although your children will devour it as though you have not fed them in three days.

– The salad bar resembles a high school science project, and should be renamed:  Hepatitis Bar.

– Someone in your group will likely throw-up.  The longer you stay…the higher the likelihood.

– Adults exit with a migraine, and a heightened risk of seizure activity, looking something like this:

– Children exit jacked-up on high fructose corn syrup and adrenalin, looking something like this:

Well fear not Chuck e Cheese, for I have a plan.  Kids can still be kids…but parents no longer have to be suicidal.  A few simple changes and we are on our way to peace and harmony for young and old alike.  Let me introduce my brilliant plan in hopes that someone in the upper echelon of the Chuck e Cheese Corporation catches wind and wants to hire me on the spot for my boundless gift.

Chuck e Cheese, Gourmet Coffee, Wine and Pasta Bar:  where a kid can be a kid and a parent can be blissful

How it works:

Staffing:  This establishment should hire one referee per 15 square feet.  These persons should appear slightly intimidating and should be paid on a commission basis per fight intervention in order to maintain high motivation.

A nurse should be on staff to care for the injured.  Ten teenagers should be hired to assist younger children with game playing.  The teens are to be paid in pizza and iTunes cards.

The Adult Section:

The Gourmet coffee, wine, pasta bar should be located on the same property, although in a separate room.  Parents should be able to see their children playing through a two-way mirror, although volume and lighting should be GREATLY reduced.  Each seat should be equipped with a microphone through which every parent would be able to yell at his/her child over a loud-speaker without leaving ones seated position.

Throw in some fancy coffee drinks, free wifi, comfy chairs, drinkable wine and I guarantee a full house.  I hate to be boastful ladies and gentlemen…but this idea is absolute genius!  Who’s with me?

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