Working late one evening, two sleepy toddlers snuggled against my chest, as I read our fourth bedtime story. At the end of the story, the three of us sat in a moment of rare silence. Suddenly, the eldest, a curious fellow of four, leaned back, took both of my breasts in his hands, gave them a considerable ‘honk’, and said…
“Nanny, what do you call these big things?”
Here we go.
“These are Nanny’s fluffy bits.” I said casually, removing his hands and snuggling him again.
“Mommy says they are for feeding tiny babies. You don’t have any tiny babies. So, what do you use your fluffy bits for?” he inquired.
Smart toddlers…can’t live with them. Can’t use dog crates and duct tape.
“You’re right, smart boy. I explained. Mine are built-in safety devices. You see, if I fall forward, I would bounce right back up without hurting myself. When I go swimming, I never have to remember floaties…mine are attached! When I’m not falling or floating, I can use them as pillows for people I love.”
“That’s neat!” He said.
This prompted the boy’s younger sister to grab the top of my shirt with both hands, pulling it roughly away from my body to inspect what was hidden beneath. She sucked in her breath sharply.
“Nanny…why is your bottom way up here?” She shrieked, as she stuck one tiny finger directly into my cleavage.
At first I didn’t understand what she meant….
But now her point has become crystal clear.
This conversation has undeniably headed south, from “Goodnight Moon” to cleavage and butt-cracks at an alarming rate, which is a clear indicator of immediate bedtime. However, when I kissed the four-year-old goodnight, he appeared to have one last comment…
“Nanny, when I grow up, I want to have great big fluffy bits just like you.” he says with a yawn.
Oh crap…here we go again.
“Well, honey…Boy’s don’t usually grow great big fluffy bits.” His eyes filled with tears and he began to sob uncontrollably.
“It’s not fair…I want big fluffy bits too!” He wailed.
I sat next to him on the bed, and in a hushed tone, said “But I didn’t tell you the worst part of having big fluffy bits yet. I thought your little sister might be afraid.” He immediately stopped crying, excited that he might harbor secret information before his little sister.
“What is it, Nanny?” He asked, eyes wide.
“It’s the horrible contraption we have to wear every single day to tie them down and keep them out of the way. It’s called…
“It’s made of rubber bands, rope, nails, wire, hot glue and poison ivy.”
“Can I see it, Nanny?” he asked.
“No, sweetheart. But ask your Mommy tomorrow, and maybe she will show you hers.”
“I don’t want to wear one of those.” he said, before rolling over to go to sleep.
“Me either, Bud.”
He seems to have accepted this unfair difference between the sexes and no longer laments his woeful lack of large fluffy bits. A few days later, he created this moving portrait of he and I together, which now lives on my refrigerator.
It is entitled:
ODE DE HEAFTY FLUFFY BITS: NATURE’S CRUEL AND UNCOMFORTABLE TRUTH
notice that I am not smiling
They say a picture is worth 1,000 words, and this is a great picture, but your words are 1,000 times better : )
Thanks, Barbara. Glad you liked it. I knew you would appreciate the fine artwork here.
Another great post, which I’ve shared, and not a speck of poop in sight!
Well Pete…I just replaced poop with bosoms. Count on me!
Priceless! I can soooo see you in this conversation. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for reading and commenting, girls! Glad you enjoyed it. The sad thing is…this little tot is pretty obsessed with “fluffy bit honking” now. It seems I get “honked” several times a day. Going to have to work a breast lift into my contract next year.
Great story. Love the mushrooms!
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Thanks, Jonathan. Aren’t those mushrooms funny? Probably poisonous.
Ha! I had to share this post with my mama friends. I LOVED it! Also, it took me back in time a bit. Like to a time when I was little and attending my first wake (my dad’s mom). I looked at my grandma in her coffin and said, “Her boobs are huge!” Then I grabbed them both and said they were “hard as a rock” to everyone in ear shot.
Children are handsy!
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Count on children to even make a wake indecent. I can’t help but have a picture in mind of a coffin with a giant pair of boobs sticking out of it. OMG! I think I’m going to pee my pants!
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LMAO at this story! I really needed this after a long , hard day working, cleaning and tending to the needs of a demanding four year old and his two year old sister! 👍❤️
Glad you had a good laugh, Katie. Keep laughing and hold on to your fluffy bits!
These children are so fortunate to have you. And….I am too. But, I can just hear their explanations to other children about anatomy. Wouldn’t it be great to be “that fly on the wall we always hear about. Good job “Nanny”. 🙂 M
Haha, I know…this kid’s explanation of an “over-the-shoulder-fluffy-bit-holder” should really be interesting in preschool next Monday. Guess I’ll be called into the teacher’s office next week. There’s another story! Thanks for your comment, Marjorie!
This is gold. Glad I met you today at writer’s group!
His “moving portrait” is priceless. So is your crayon facial expression. Hilarious!